If you grew up in a small remote town like myself you'd know it has several downsides, especially if you're as old as me and missed the great video game era by a hair. Well, I'm not being completely honest about entertainment at our house. At least we had books. Every Sunday of each month we played Crazy Christians and held a great book burning much to the chagrin of the town priest whom we had nicknamed Mister Hypocrite. At this point you should have noticed my usage of the word “we”. By “we” I'm of course referring to myself and my twin brother. Obviously you're thinking that a twin brother must be great. You could simply blame things on the other if need be. Unfortunately that is a double edged blade, and worse still, mostly blunt on his side. No matter how much I hated my brother though, I still didn't want other people to hurt him. Thats a privilege I want to keep to myself. Don't let that fact mislead you though, he's definitely the evil crazy one. The craziest thing I've ever thought of was building a machine to shrink us down, so that we could hold a fair race with our pet hamster. Unfortunately what I didn't realize at the time was that humans are bipeds so even even given equal size, the hamster would still win.
Does it happen to you too that at life threatening moments you forget about those small crucial details, like a chain link fence makes horrible cover from a spray of lethal bullets?
That was what I was wondering when I jumped that fence while someone was firing at me with a 9 mill automatic weapon. It was at about the same time I realised a leather jacket and jeans are no good as body armor.
I screamed like a 15-year old girl and rolled over the ground; blood was gushing out of my leg and shoulder.
My armed opponent walked passed the fence, reached into my jacket and pulled out my gun. He mumbled something between his teeth though I couldn't quite make out the language. Still, I'm sure it was an insult directed at me. Actually I'm certain it was an insult as he kicked me in the ribs when he said it. I rolled over in pain, pondering which part of my body hurt the most so I could apply pressure to it next. This turned out to be my head, throbbing with pain that made the gaping holes in the rest of my body feel like papercuts in comparison.
Having lived on only strong liquor for the past few months had incurred a devestating effect on my health. What was I supposed to do though? You can't go around shooting people while eating Subway sandwhiches.
Funny I never thought it would end this way, seems everyday you learn a new lesson. Wether or not you'll be alive the next to make use of this new knowledge. Ofcourse this doesn't help you, so I'd better start at the beginning.
I stopped dancing, my vision was blurry, for some reason I was wearing glasses, I don't wear glasses. So I put them away. I looked around aimlessly untill my vision focussed. I was on what appeared to be a stage infront of 1, 2, 3, 4, ..., 6 billion people. I tried to speak, but no sound came out, instead I cought up a cube with all the colors of the rainbow. It seemed to be some kind of impossible puzzle and God would tell me all the secrets of the universe if I was able to solve it. But God spoke: "It's just a stupid colored cube!" I looked back in my hands ... the cube was gone.
I tried to look around in the room to find someone I knew so they could tell me what happened, but my vision was blurry, I remembered I do wear glasses. But where ever I looked I couldn't find them, so I improvised and made rings with my thumbs and indexfingers and held them to my face.
For some reason all the persons looked like me and were talking to eachother in total silence, which sounded weird. How can someone speak in silence? They made no sound, so it wasn't whispering, but still i could understand them.
"Am I dead?" flashed thru my mind, someone said: "You're mistaken." "Then what is this?", total silence followed, i mean real silence, the persons looked around at each other, with an unknowing-do-you-know?-expression on their faces. "Well", I said, "Where are we?" "A dimensional time-space breach, of a single soul collected into one spacial entity unifying all our consciousnesses." Someone shouted. Another stood up: "Lay off the SciFi? and go back to playing Dungeons and Dragons you total nerd!"
This is going nowhere, I started looking around for an exit, to my amazement a door clearly marked exit was right behind me. I started moving towards the door. Something was wrong, the door kept moving away from me, in my stubborness I started running. I stopped, breathing heavily, I looked behind me, I was still at the same distance of the edgde of the stage. This gives a new meaning to no-endurance. I bended over leaning on my knees, still trying to catch a breath. I lifted my arm and flipped a finger at God, and sat down, looking into the crowd. I check my pulse, and for any bloodstains and pinch myself. Oke I'm not dead, atleast not the HollyWood? dead and I'm not dreaming. Am I high?
I woke up at 7 am this morning, as usual i entered the CS irc channel....
To my suprise all the ops were absent, it was total anarchy! I quote " sueastside: what no ops?? lets party!!!!"
I felt a little draft passing my body, it reminded me to get dressed. Opening my closet, i was blinded by a horrific sight: Dots, dots everywhere!
My deranged subconsciousness has traded my clothes for clown costumes again, he knows dots make me look fat!
I wanted to go outside naked again, but that old lady from across the street stares at me when i do that. So i decided against it and went with the flashy green vest and white with red dots pants ensemble today. And ofcourse ive put on a red nose, i don't want to look ridicilous.
I went downstairs, the floor was softer and warmer then usual, i looked down... it was covered with money, lots of money. The dollarsigns in mother Theresa's eyes were small compared to mine. I wonder if it's a gift of Gates, although i would have prefered flowers.
I sat down at the table, i reached for the cerealbox, and it moved away from me. WTF, i tried to reach again and it moved even further away and tipped over, the cereal bits danced out of the box and started to cover the table, it was like a cloud of negativly charged gibs and my hand was also negativly charged, every time i tried to grasp they moved away from me in a wave pattern.
I decided to skip breakfast.
I needed some fresh air and grabbed my binoculars on the way out.
I made myself comfortable in nature and sat down, it's not that big, but what did you expect in Belgium. Not much foliage here, especially in Jorrit's garden. I've been trying to figure out what he's been doing these last few days, he just keeps staring at his new laptop, i can read the label from here: ACER 5024wmli. Those turion proccesors are quite nice...
A penny for his thoughts.... so i threw a penny at him. That wasn't one of my brightest ideas, as i keep a list of those, and i ended up revealed my position. Luckily he"ll just think i'm pervert clown and doesn't know who i really am: A ordinary perverted stalker.
Insanity has struck, it was slowly filling my body, making me produce weird noises.
Can't believe i was sane for this long, i think the chocolate cake was slowing it down, or was it the ramen? Well it doesn't matter anymore, too late now.
"turn my nipple nuts wiiirpppssttfooo"
There i did it again. Although i know it just happened, i can't tell what i just did. The crazyness is taking over, my own counciousness is slowly fading.
You'll probably thinking why not go out with a bang, and stop nagging in your blog. Well i tried, oh i tried....
I'll start with my first time, i guess, my momma always said to start at the beginning. I was born on a cold night in february, there was 12 inches of snow that day...
Ow, yeah back to the point...
There i was standing at the edge, i know what you're thinking, it's been done, but i wanted to feel the wind rush thru my long blond hair.
Slowly i shifted my balance over the edge, dropping my body down as a stiff board. With closed eyes ofcourse, im afraid of heights...
I was overwhelmed by strong feeling of calmness, while my body rushed to the ground accelerating with each inch. And then nothing.....
Next thing i remember is waking up next to Bill Gates, in red sexy revealing lingery. I rushed out as soon as possible, ofcourse after he payed me.
I know what youre thinking....
How's Bill Gates in bed? Luckly that the positive side effect of my condition i don't remember a thing.
Ow you were wondering something else?
Well it doesn't matter what you're thinking, it's my blog after all.
The second try: After the Gates incident the urge to finish my existence was even greater, ofcourse i've spend the money first, on GPU Gems if you're wondering, the thing is pretty expensive for just a book, a bundle of wood fibres, to think you can get wood for free...
What my tactic was for the second try?
The classic: a shotgun it the mouth...
Funny thing is, that it didn't matter how much i wanted to end it, my will to live was stronger. So I needed to trick myself with a selfmade trap.
Luckly i've seen my share of Mcguyver episodes, so i can find a solution for everything with my wits.
I ended up with a complicated structure of beams and cords which would swing the shotgun into my mouth and fire it, after setting off the trap by opening the door.
Now to the part making myself forget i've setup a trap for myself. I head down to the nearest liquor store and enter, my eyes swifly explore the scene, my brain gonzing from interperting and working out possible scenarios. I check my pockets for my trusty swiss knive and duckttape.
I head for the door that says private, i open it and quickly take a step back and jump behind one of the shelfs. the tender fell for it and enters the private room looking for me. I quitely close the door behind him and weld it shut with some coins and a carbattery.
I grab a permant marker from behind the pay-desk and write "go home" on my forehead and arms.
Now for the master plan: Getting drunk!
Several hours later i wake up, with blurry vision on the ground. I stand up or i thaught i did, cause i was on the floor again. Not knowing what's going on, i look around and notice writing on my arms: "go home" What does that mean, that little shit ET is here, where is he ill beat him up, after beating up a cardboard box for several minutes i realise that there are no aliens in the room, atleast not visible ones.
Having this terrible headache i decide to go home and go to bed. After kicking the cardboard box, i'm finally strawling home.
Into my own trap, damn i'm brilliant!
After walking into a wrong house, i end up at my own doorstep, i start yelling at my door to open, took me awhile to figure out that that didn't work and i had to use the key to open it.
Madly poking with the key at the door i end up succeeding in getting it in the keyhole. I swing it open....deafened by a loud bang, a feeling of disorientation by a bright flash, i see a projectile moving towards me in what appears to be slowmotion. Knowing this isn't a bullet-time enabled game, i just froze and stood there knowing i coudn't possibly do anything and accepted my faith.
I was overwhelmed by strong feeling of calmness. Hmm i can't put my finger on it, but deja-vu...
I woke up in a bright yellow tanga covered with wipedcream ontop of Barbara Streisand. After recovering from the paralysing gagging spasm and feeling of disgust and thinking i'd rather do Gates again then this. I split like a banana with the same color as my tanga and got the hell out of there after collecting the cash.
Meanwhile, in holodeck 2, Junior Ensign Sueastside is busy putting fur on the various holo-creatures. He stares down at the computer podium and then raises his head and stares thougtfully into the distance at nothing in partiuclar.
The platform and the podium are obvious falsities in this forest world, for the 3d modeler has used far too many specular highlights! Well that, and you normally don't see a computerized pedistal in the middle of a jungle. It sticks out like... well like a computerized pedistal in a jungle.
Eureaka! Junior Ensign Sueastside has the answer... more rendering passes!!! His gaze quickly returns to the podium along with his hands. He types madly away, not stopping to format his code or removed unused variables. Symbols fly across the screen madly. For some reason they are not English or any Earth language.
Typing typing madly typing...
Finshed at last.
Now, let's see how it looks.
Gingerly, Junior Ensign Sueastside's hand approaches the `run` button. Reservedly he inches closer and closer. Finally, when his finger is a few centimeters away from the button, he quickly stabs downwards. The virtual button on the virtual podium computer changes from yellow to red.
"Huh, whats happening?", says a bewildered Sueastside. Red lights flash and sirenes go off!
"Ensign what are you doing!?", asks the captain, his shiny head shimmering in the glow of soft bridge light.
"I need more power Captain! Reroute some from the shields!", replies Sueastside.
"I've giving her all shes got, anymore and she'll blow!" -Yelled the Captain.
"More, More!!" -Screamed Sueastside.
'Hull integrity at 0%, Have a nice day.'
"Atleast I had my way with Six of Nine" -Screamed the junior officer over the noise and confusion.
And that is the last thing that ever happened on Enterprise. For unwittingly, Junior Ensign Sueastside had blown it up.
Original story by dfletcher, adapted for screenplay by sueastside.
I'd rather walk through hell with gasoline soaked underwear, sitting on Schwarzenegger's head while breastfeeding Gary Coleman, then to spend one minute with you!
I looked behind me. There was nothing to be seen. Was it just paranoia or would it be best to just look infront of me? Thats what i did. There wasnt much to see either. I continued following the road. I didnt have a real mission. Buying some cigarettes, that was about it. Tomorrow i'll stop smoking, but not today. Tomorrow is still a long time. I live one day at a time. Maybe tomorrow i'm already dead. Funeral monday next week.Dogs allowed on the funeral, thats what i wrote in my will. It also says everybody should party and wear a part-hat and only return home when youre dronk like a fair monkey. A man stopped me to ask directions. I ignored him. It was impossible. "The way to the castle, sir?" he asked beggingly. "The castle" said I, "thats real difficult to explain. Wouldn't you rather go somewhere else?" "But where?" the man asked desperatly. It looked like he was about to cry. I would never cry, except with a movie with a sick kid in it. It the recognision that does it. I also was a sick kid. I had troubles with my kidneys, pancreas and my bowels. Later everything turned out fine, thanks to the local pray healer Louis De Gebedgenezer from SF. He rubbed me in with cowshit, stared at me endlessly and then said the magical words: "Damn this kid smells!" The next day i was healed and could resume my duties as a toddler. "Hmm yes where to?" said I,"that has always been the question. You can always try that pub." I pointed to the pub 'The endless drunkness'. A beautiful winehouse, decorated with beatiful Art Nouveau, to lick of your hands and feet. "Will you join me, i'll pay" asked the man. "I can't be bought" said I, "And I don't go to bars anymore since 1993" Alcohol isn't good for my kidneys, pancreas and my bowels. Actually i'm completly insane, do you realise that you old fool? I was about to punch him on the nose. I was that furious. The man started to cry. For some unknown reason that calmed me. Instead of shaking on my legs, I stopped shaking on my legs. I sensed the diffrence immidiatly. "You know what?" I said, "I think I'll give you the directions to the castle now." With complicated handgestures I showed him the directions to the castle. The man thanked me. He stopped crying.
He started walking, and there he went, a man going to the castle. I stopped staring and ran to the cigarrete store. There i acted like a smoker, nothing more then a smoker...
A faint buzzing wakes me up, im holding up my arms to block the bright light that is shining into my room. My windows open, a thick fog slowly fills my room, its lit by the bright blueish light. I try to open my eyes to see whats going on, but my still moisty eyes diffuse the light into purpleish stars.
This is not the first time this has happend, Six of Nine was here last week to consult my knowledge about *cough* outerspace. But enough about that.
I wonder who it is this time...
A oval face finally is recognisable thru the mist, it's hold up by a small fragile body. It claims to be from a planet Thrujius, that is currently at war.
They're recruiting me to fight by their side, they must have heared about my expertice with a 'gun'. Can't really blaim them, im almost legendary, I just hope they pay really well.
I put on my battle suit that would have made Jango Fett jealous, it was a gift of Adama given to me after i saved his sorry ass from the Cylons.
"Oke im ready, there's just one little thing..." "What?" "I want to be Gold leader!"